Tonight, I don't need an audience. Tonight my music is all I have for company. I just want to be alone. The feeling is intangible... my heart is hollow, my mind blank and my room reeks of loneliness. Yet, I don't want to let anyone in.
I talked to my mum as usual tonight. I put on an apathetic voice to deter her from asking too much about me. In my heart, I really want to reach out to her, and pour my heart out to her. Yet, I refrained from doing so. It's almost like my mind wants to, but my heart feels too tired. Or maybe, I just didn't know how to put it into words. So I hung up. I can't handle my friends asking how I am. I don't want to pretend to be alright. It's too exhausting. So subconsciously, I keep pushing away my friends. I let the conversations trail off... am I wrong in doing that?
Being alone heightens every sound and sensation. The echo of the dripping water in the pipes, the warmth of my comforter around me. The rustle of the pages of the novel I'm reading. I just want to go to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, ready to face another brand new day.
What am I exactly lacking in my life? What is it that makes me feel unwell? Am I going into depression? Or am I thinking too much into matters? Where do I find the answers? Who do I talk to? What can I do to make myself feel better? It just occurred to me that I haven't truly felt happy in a long while... I'm falling. Who can be bothered to catch me this time around?
5 comments:
well, what i can say is that being alone can be quite hard to go through.
it's still quite okay for me as i'm a loner sometimes, being alone can do the things you want without any distractions. things get worst when you have nothing to do.
do try to find some meaningful things to do, watch TV, movies, play computer, time will get by! cheers!
I may not be able to catch u when u fall, but I'll be ard if u need someone to bitch with.. =)
I know exactly how u feel because I had my BF feeling this way before and I pulled him out of it.
All I can say is that, when u get into such a situation, never close ur door. I realise that it is a vicious cycle of loneliness if we continue to keep away from our friends. If u have a BF, maybe u cud go to him,sometimes man and woman become closer and they understand each other better when they share. If you do not, fret not, because, good friends are always there. Just know that we are humans and it is normal to lean on someone once in a while.
thanks guys... appreciated. :)
I postulate that there's not enough sex with a certain person from the past. :) Alternatively, you are going through a quarter life crisis, just like several young and successful students/professionals I know who went through life a bit too fast.
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